DAD!!!

I hide this post as I don't want to read it again. This is posted to make ease of my heart. Please select all to read.

This post is about me and my never told feelings. So I don’t want you to comment on it.

I never felt lonely in my home even after my brothers went to Bangalore for their job, to be in apt my life was at its best with only me, my dad and my mom in the home. Whenever I return to home tired, I would rejoice by just seeing my dad’s bike at the gate. Me and my dad used to have a great time together, Seeing the cricket matches together, he would not eat till I return from my shop, I used to drive him to all the places, we would be arguing on all the topics till late night and even till midnight. I and my mom used to tease my dad and he’ll finally burst into laughter. To be precise we did not have a relationship of parent and a son, we were like true friends.

I shared almost everything to him, he could not have know you by names or face but by your character like the one with the big moustache, the one with his own business, the one who wants to go abroad, the one to whom I used to chat, the one near our new building the list goes on and on. When we had great fun and arguments, I always pray God to make the moment to live forever. But God has some different plans to make things horrible.

June 4:

I did not know this is the last day of my life with my Dad. I returned late from my shop, due to some unavoidable reasons. I reached home and saw my Dad already sleeping so did not have the idea of waking him up. I had dinner and went to my room switched on the system. I hate sleeping early, so used to kill the time by doing nothing or browse for hours.

June 5:

I was browsing till 2.00AM, and set an alarm at 6.00AM to have a jog with my dad who usually goes to walking at that time as he is a heart patient. As I was already tired I couldn’t wake up even after the alarm went off, but I can sense my Dad leaving the home for his routine walking. I slept even after that; time was 7.20 AM mom waked me up and said that dad has not returned home who is expected to return by 7.00 or 7.10 AM. I did not have any fear as this has happened earlier when I went search of my dad he returned home the next minute ; expecting the same to happen again I went in a search of my dad. I reached the place where my dad used to park his vehicle; surprisingly even at 7.35AM his bike was there, thought he was having a chat with someone. After several minutes of search found him still lying in the open ground with three strangers and a police covering him, this time I cannot let him sleep. I hurried and did what all I can do, a son can do and friend can do to bring him back but in vain. I touched his hand it was already cold amidst sunny day. His stomach which was to be my pillow while arguing was like stone.

I called my uncle he came there within minutes, I was asked to get a vehicle to take him away. I asked many drivers, many who know our family but none had the courtesy to come, so I decided to take our car. Mean while my mom called me and asked about dad, I said he is lying and dead. She did not believe as I used to bully her by saying these before, I cursed myself and started to home. I don’t know how to say or react to my mom as she would be expecting both of us to return home. When I reached home my com came smiling (the last smile I would have seen) and asked about dad, I gained strength and said the truth still she started shouting in agony, I can understand but there is no time for me to console her I asked my neighbor to take care meanwhile my aunty came home.

I took the car an went to the spot and we carried my dad in the car, I did not want to take him to the hospital as I was afraid of post mortem and treating my dad as mere corpse. On the way to home I signed a No doubt certificate in Nandabakkam Police Station and went home with my dad. The moments inside the car with my dad were my last moments. I kept my dad’s lips in a smiling position, coz I love him that way. We reached home and my dad was kept in the car for hours as the Ice box did not arrive in time, the worst thing a man deserved. I informed to many relatives and they started arriving. Till now I did not gave a hint of crying because of missing my dad but I cried cause I couldn’t see my mom’s state.

Later in the morning, my college friends came and started consoling me though I looked normal. Girls of my class too came to whom I haven’t talked or had a conversation, they made me feel guilty. My two of my best pals from the new school came. As the friends left I was alone roaming here and there was taking care of my mom and waiting for my brothers to return. They came by 4.00PM, even then I cried because my brothers were crying. It would have hurt them a lot as they couldn’t spend more time with Dad as I did.

As time went, my school friends came in one by one. I was speaking with them till 9.00PM as though nothing happened. I had that day’s first food at night 10.45PM with my younger brother and he was saying his plans to make over the Dad’s loss.

This was the day I cursed time for running slow as I could not see my mother in this condition.

June 6:

I woke up by 6.00AM; I know my brothers have not slept at all. I went and sat in my cars’ seat and started to think about the previous day. The last ride decorations were taking place in front of my house. Friends of my brothers came, finally by 10.00AM our custom started and I started to feel the weight in my heart. I could not see my dad in that condition nor my mom. Everyone surrounding us started shout and cry, all this time I was starring my dad as though I’ve never seen him before and waiting for him to wake up from his sleep, but till the end he did not.

We left home, with a group and with my dad being kept in decorated cart and being dragged by some other. We reached the graveyard, there we’re tonsured and we ignited our Dad; Back in my home things came little normal, till now I did not feel my dad’s absence or cried over my dad’s death. I was feeling only for my mom. The day went like chatting all the way with my younger cousin brothers and sisters.

June 7:

I hate this day for the custom it has, we went to the graveyard and undertaker started to dig for my dads’ bones from all parts. I took my dads’ half burnt teeth in my hand, and started to cry and cry, saw my dad as nothing but a shattered bones and coal. I cried, cried and cried but this time there was no one to console me neither my friends nor myself. Finally the ash and balance of my dad was taken and went to beach to dissolve those.

That was it, A man, A husband, A loving father and great friend of mine has finished his life and left the world. I know I’m missing my dad but couldn’t say or share with anyone.

As the seconds passed, minutes moved and hours changed and time went as though there is no life in it too. The relatives who was there had started to move, we four left all alone we started to sleep early. There was no late night chats, there was teasing, no smile, and No DAD. My nights were horrible there isn’t a night I used to sleep without having a small chat with my dad.

He loved me a lot; he is a strict person to everyone but not to me. Whatever mistakes I did he used to support me a lot but later used to correct me. He was the only one in this whole world who understands me well than any other. He knows what I need in my life than anyone, I never used to think or worry about my life or the difficulties when he was there. He was the only person to see pride in every small thing I did. He expected me to do medical, I failed him. He expected me to join IIT, I failed him. He asked me to write IAS exam, I failed him again.

A week before his demise we had a small fight he said that I’ll be the one to stay with my dad till the end. I’m not that shrewd to understand I’ll be the one to see my Dads’ horrible end. I pray sorry I wish you people not to have a terrible thing like seeing your Dad in an open ground like no one to care him. I don’t pray as my prayers are not answered and will not pray again to cheat myself, only my dad and my conscience are the two things I believe in.

My mom who used to look like a great flair and charisma with her red bindhi and flowers has withered her looks. I feel a lot, Whenever I used to see her ash smitten forehead. Every night I used to curse myself for letting my dad go all alone, and helplessness of myself for not saving my dad hurt me like hell. My wet pillow in night knows the state of mine. I always wanted to cry to someone but could not gain confidence as my ever sharing friend has gone. There is no substitute for him. The days I spend after my dad’s demise are the lonely days.

I know death is unavoidable in the laws of nature. But I would say it has got the wrong person in wrong time. We have seen our dad struggle to earn the best for us and by the time we were ready atleast my brothers were ready to give him a Kings’ Life. He left us alone and making me sharing things in a blog.

My sincere advise to all out there, please express your feelings to your parents. This will be the least thing you can do to make them happy. I hope I made my dad happy still my cup is half empty. I started to live as though my dad is near me always and seeing me. Even now he’ll be patting me at my back to go to sleep.

DAD I MISS YOU!!! These words aren’t enough to show my feeling. DAD I’M WAITING FOR YOU!!!:((